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Unconscious Expression: The Hidden Culprit in Relationship Conflict

How Dr. David R. Hawkins’ “Letting Go” helped me see the difference between authentic release and reactive emotion

For decades, popular psychology has echoed a simple message: “You have to feel it to heal it.” The rise of emotional catharsis therapy in the 1960s and 70s promoted the idea that venting our anger, sobbing out our heartbreak, or yelling into pillows was the path to freedom. Repressing or suppressing emotions was labeled toxic, and we were encouraged to “get it all out.” In many ways, this was a necessary counterbalance to a culture that had long dismissed emotional experience.

But what if not all expressing is healing?

According to Dr. David R. Hawkins in his book Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender, there’s a crucial difference between conscious expression and unconscious dumping. The former frees the nervous system. The latter often perpetuates the emotional energy—keeping us stuck, hurting ourselves and others in the process.

The Trap of Unconscious Expressing

Unconscious expressing is when we allow the emotion to run the show without awareness or containment. It’s when we justify lashing out in anger, spilling our anxiety onto our partner, or crying in despair while secretly hoping it changes their behavior. We think we’re being honest or real—but often, we’re actually reenacting a subconscious program. One that’s rooted in unmet childhood needs, unresolved trauma, or fear of abandonment.

This kind of expression tends to escalate conflict, not resolve it. It may temporarily feel relieving, but it subtly reinforces the belief that someone else must change in order for us to feel safe. This dependency traps us in a reactive loop.

Dr. Hawkins writes, “The suppressed and repressed feelings seek expression through psychosomatic diseases, bodily disorders, emotional illnesses, and disordered behavior in interpersonal relationships.” Ironically, this can also happen when those feelings are expressed without presence—when they are offloaded onto someone else unconsciously, rather than integrated internally.

The Power of Conscious Choice

Dr. Hawkins offers a different approach: radical ownership through conscious letting go. This doesn’t mean bypassing what we feel—it means being aware of it, allowing it, and releasing it internally, without needing to act it out on another person.

It also means understanding that suppression, repression, or even healthy escapism are not inherently bad. When done consciously, they can actually be stabilizing. For example:

• Conscious suppressing is recognizing your emotion, choosing not to act on it, and returning to it later with more capacity.
• Conscious repression may involve recognizing that something is too painful to address right now—and that’s okay. Healing unfolds in layers.
• Conscious escapism might mean watching a movie, going on a walk, or calling a friend—not to avoid your feelings forever, but to regulate your nervous system so you can face them later with love.

A Personal Example

In my relationship with my boyfriend, there was a moment that made this distinction painfully clear.

We had already discussed the importance of emotional attunement and keeping our living space as a sanctuary. One day, I came home to a messy kitchen—cluttered, chaotic, and full of tension I could feel before he even spoke. I had asked for more awareness around this before, and I felt my body bracing. A part of me wanted to confront him immediately, to let him know how disrespected I felt.

But something paused in me.

I realized I wasn’t just reacting to the dishes. I was reacting to an old fear: “If he can’t care for our space, he won’t care for my heart.” I felt the little girl in me rising with panic. That’s when I remembered Hawkins’ work.

Instead of unconsciously expressing that panic through accusation or control, I sat with it. I consciously let the energy rise in my chest, and I silently affirmed: “This is just fear. It’s okay to feel it. I release the need to control.” I breathed into it. I gave myself space.

Later that night, I shared—not from blame, but from clarity: “I know we’ve talked about how the state of our space affects me. I just want to feel safe and held, and when I come home to clutter, it brings up fear that there’s no room for me.” That conversation was met with softness instead of defensiveness—because I had let go of the charge before I spoke.

The Invitation to Inner Freedom

We don’t always need to express our emotions outwardly to heal. Sometimes, what we truly need is to witness them inwardly—with full presence and compassion.

As Hawkins reminds us, “Letting go involves being aware of a feeling, letting it come up, staying with it, and letting it run its course without wanting to make it different or do anything about it.” When we practice this in relationship, we stop demanding others regulate our inner world—and start reclaiming our own power.

This is not the path of perfection, but of practice.

So the next time you feel triggered, ask yourself:
“Is this emotion asking to be dumped… or surrendered?”
The answer might just change everything.

Until next time, be well,

Megan