Backstory
This good story starts with a move. A hopeful single dog-mom abiding in the middle-eastern Minnesotan landscape, finds a humble abode near her family of origin. Her dog loves being this close to her pack however does not love being within earshot of neighbors living mere feet away in an apartment complex on the first floor near the main entrance. In a good-mannered Minnesotan or humanly fashion, this hopeful single dog mom was able to become friends with her neighbors-the first and closest one being a hopeful single dog mom herself. The other neighbor further down the hall had a beau with a dog and a cat but nonetheless, these three galavanting gals grew together in friendship rather quickly. Having centralized Girls Game Nights with plenty of merriment, happiness, and connection. This progressed to going on walks and having puppy playdates (separately because the protagonist in this story has a dog that does not like having the attention on anything but her…she’s a diva). Life was enjoyed, secrets were shared, tears were shed, and boys were verbally bashed (because we knew all the answers and were never at fault). This then progressed further into a summer sand volleyball rec league the hopeful single dog moms attended together and other fun and social activities like line dancing. All connections forged culminated into a pivotal peak: girls trips.
Now, girl trips can either go incredibly well, or not. Usually you know the people you’re tripping with for a good long while (especially if you are traveling states or countries away). This single dog mom did not know these girls for more than a span of a year-however deep you can know a neighbor/friend in that time period if you both work full-time jobs and have lives outside of that and each other (which should be everyone). The first girl trip we had planned together was to California. San Francisco, Santa Clara, and Monterey. The trip was well-established, thought-out, and well executed. Our trip occurred during the California fires that started in the Palisades in 2025. It didn’t cut our trip short as we were leaving the two days after it started. We debated leaving early but we were able to experience what each other was like during some pretty drastic situations. Like any devastating situation there was stress but for the most part, no offense was taken from any party and everyone was able to function like mature adults. It was great. And going to California in January when we were coming from Minnesota was miiinnt.
Michigan
This led to our brainstorm and execution of another trip. This trip would take place in Michigan in September of 2025. This single dog mom has only 13 states left and Michigan was one of them. So was California, but now I can say I’ve been there. Woot woot! Anywho, we plan this trip right? Now there’s six of us going (this single dog mom included-so two extra gals this time). We drove there (to the U.P.) because it’s roadtrip distance from Minnesota. This is where it gets a little dicey. We were constantly with each other with minimal breaks. Which is not all bad if you all get along. But this is a different group of girls. And it shouldn’t matter, but the girl writing this blog tends to get a little quieter, a little more reserved, and a lot more observant around new people.
This trip happened right after Charlie Kirk was assassinated. I lost it. I will be honest and say that I didn’t even know who he was before hearing about his assassination. I had just become saved and the scales fell from my eyes and I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior that summer in August-June of 2025. I was undergoing a lot of changes. I was crying so much. I was either lamenting or crying joyful tears about 5x per day. I am a deeply emotional person, but I have never cried that much in my life. The Holy Spirit was convicting my heart and I was changing…rapidly. I didn’t even know how to comprehend, let alone explain what was happening to me to my friends. I also didn’t know how deeply everything would affect me. The entire trip I felt like I was trying to access an old version of me that had fallen away and I was failing to be the “fun-loving” version of myself I used to be that was around when first introductions were made. This new version of me didn’t make or even like the same jokes. This new version of me was changing her habits and not reading the same books, or watching the same shows, eating the same foods or even listening to same music. I could not listen to secular music without hearing spiritual warfare and I could not focus on the conversations I was having so I just put my headphones on, and listened to worship music on the majority of the carride. It was something that always comforted me because I felt like I could feel God’s presence the most then. It also seemed to be the only relief I could get the entire trip.
It was no mistake that this was picked up on by my friends. After all, I was different than all our previous times we were all together. Instead of seeking connection, I was secluding myself. They all thought it was them or that they had done something to make me become isolated throughout the trip. I ventured on my own towards the end of the trip…a lot. The beginning of the trip when we were all getting to know each other, small talk was the main course of conversational nourishment. Needless to say, I was hungry. Hungry for genuine connection. This change in my heart had shown me what I should truly value which is genuine connection and vulnerability and shared love in community and faith with God at the center. It became clear to me this trip was not going to be about that. I was navigating a whole different playing field and some with girls I didn’t know incredibly well and one I had just met on the drive there. Conversation would lull here and there. I couldn’t find the same humor or temperament as everyone else. I was struggling. Every time I said and felt like I tried to go with the flow of conversation, it was met with either a subject change or silence. I felt my contribution to the conversation was starting to become unappreciated. It was like I forgot how to socialize with fellow humans the entire trip. I was able to enjoy myself as much as I could and I’m convinced they did the same. If anything, their friendship grew a firmer foundation with each other and I singled myself out as the black sheep.
The Return Home
The stories I told myself started to run away and I couldn’t catch up. My subconscious mind was confirming my preconceived notions of how much these girls didn’t like me faster than I could look for evidence that they enjoyed my going on the trip. I was miserable towards the end because I convinced myself that I could feel their dislike and disapproval and looked forward to returning home. I was too scared the have the conversation.
“Quick” Ramble
What is the conversation I was so scared to have you ask? When I first became saved, I visited a friend I had from the crowd I used to run with. She is someone in the New Age Spirituality circle and her and I connected well when we were both in it. Once I became saved, I started making content on Instagram (before I deactivated it) about my experiences with God and how He was showing up in my life. She confronted me about it almost immediately. She had some questions but she also asked me to explain why God would cause terrible things to happen in the world or how I could justify following a God that allows terrible things to happen. I started to notice that her projections from previous wounding was coming up and aimed right at me. My answer to that specific question she had was the only “correct” answer I gave (and for the record, God is never the cause of terrible things to happen to humans or the planet; if you want to know why, read your Bible or ask a friend who knows about spiritual warfare. I might have a blog post about spiritual warfare soon as well, to explain). If you truly believe God is the reason behind those things, then you definitely don’t know Him. My friend asked many questions that day and one of them being: Do you believe in hell?
I regret to say (even as a newborn baby Christian) I didn’t know how to answer her, but at the time I said “no”. I made this mistake because I could tell she was fishing. If she didn’t like the answer, I was scared she would turn away from the idea of being saved completely…I was so mislead…1.) I am not God. It’s not my job to convert or convince anyone to become a Christian/believer. But I let my people-pleasing tendencies, control, and fear get the better of me. But thanks to God’s beautiful grace, His santification in me is working to where I have more Godly fear than fear of man, Amen! 2.) I did not know enough at the time to say a truthful answer about how spiritual warfare existed and what it even means. I didn’t understand the importance and the depth of what I had said. I have since repented for this misunderstanding. 3.) We are always supposed to tell the truth regardless of whether the time is convenient or inconvenient (obedience is usually inconvenient), comfortable or uncomfortable, spoken eloquently or simply; we are not meant to soften the truth but the Holy Spirit bids us speak kindly.
This experience led me to believe that everyone you speak to about their relationship with God is a loaded conversation. Most of the time they’re either going to be people who have experienced church-hurt or religion-hurt (if that’s the case, I’m sorry…you’re not alone), or they have a father wound, or they have been going to church their whole life and think that going to church substitutes for a relationship with God, or they became rebellious-wanting their own independence or control and don’t see a need to change it; especially if they can just “manifest their reality”. I felt unequipped to have that conversation until my roots grew deeper and stronger. I needed to understand the mechanisms that were happening to me, learn the Christian vernacular, and develop the relationship with God He was drawing me to have with Him.
Back to the Return Home
As we traversed the countryside back to Minnesota, an uncomfortable comfortable had set in. Everyone had found the boundaries to operate in that made them accept the currect reality, but it didn’t make it less awkward. I started to notice the groupchat becoming less used. When we completely arrived home, I didn’t see the groupchat betwixed us girls used at all. I felt like I got the memo. They created a new one. And I wasn’t in it. I was deeply offended. I felt rejected but also grateful that I didn’t have to endure that level of awkwardness any longer. It became another repressed memory to fuel more discord in the future if I so chose.
I saw my neighbor (the other single dog mom) out walking her dog not long after we had settled back home and I said “hi” with an exuberant smile on my face and delightful wave to accompany it from a distance. She completely ignored me, or so I thought. I unfriended her shortly after that interaction feeling justified in my hurt of betrayal and rejection.
Context: What you don’t know is I have a string of friends that I no longer speak to. Decent people who I either totally rejected first so they couldn’t reject me or people I felt had betrayed me. Those people were then dead to me. This was my self-sabotage pattern at it’s finest. I often ended up alone unable to see my deficiencies, let alone address them.
What I did know at the time (intellectually) was that our past informs and our subconscious mind helps to predict and then write our future. What I didn’t know was how to identify it and practice changing that in my own life. At least not within my own power. God and His loving heart working in my life have been the only things that have worked where things that have changed, have stayed changed. Anything I have been able to do within my own strength, I have not been able to sustain or even get close to the level of healing He has brought me through already. That’s how I was able to know God was working in my life. I decided to send a text to my neighbor letting her know that she didn’t have an enemy and that I wished the best for her.
No response. No conversation. She even refused to look into my apartment when she would pass with her dog (which is unusual because she loves looking in people’s apartments). I felt like I understood. Was I hurt? Absolutely. I then realized this was how people from my past must have felt when I would cut them off. I should have repented right then and there for the emotional torment I mercilessly dealt to people from my past, but I didn’t. I stayed stuck.
Present Day
God led me to this book titled The Bait of Satan by John Bevere. If you haven’t read it, you should. If you have read it and you’re still someone who gets offended, you should read it again. It puts the spirit of offense in a totally different light. Lately, my neighbor (the single dog mom) had been on my mind. We usually miss each other when we take our dogs outside so there didn’t have to be so much tension or awkardness; it had been months since we talked or really saw each other. But recently, we kept almost passing each other. Getting so close to having to interact with one another.
I thought I had gotten over everything but I soon realized I was still harboring resentment. The idea of having a conversation was daunting. I then decided to ask God how He was able to die for the people who hated Him. Jesus loves us so much that He paid the ultimate price. He absorbed all of humanity’s sin, absolved it’s power over us, crushed the serpents head, and then was resurrected and eliminated the power of death over us as well. All for the people who persecuted and killed Him. His followers even betrayed Him and ran to save their own lives (except for the disciple John who watched Him from afar).
As I was reading the book, there were plenty of parts that stood out to me but in the book John Bevere has a quote that reads:
“Once a dog gets burned by hot water, it then comes to fear cold water.”
I was a dog that had been burned in the past, and therefore trembled with fear of even refreshing water or water that could evenn subside the pain from the burn.
There was another story in the book that talked about a wise man who would sit outside the town he lived in to greet newcomers. The first newcomers would ask what the town was like. The wise man would answer them with a question of his own and asked where they came from. The first newcomers replied that the town they came from was destitute and everyone was only ever looking after themselves. They could never rely on anyone for help. The wise man then said, “That’s it. This town is like the one you just described.” The newcomers were grateful they dodged a bullet and would not have to endure the town they were passing through. More newcomers came up to the city gates and asked the wise man the same question the first newcomers asked him. He answered them with the same question he asked the others. They replied, “Oh our previous city was amazing. Everyone knew everyone and was always willing to offer a helping hand especially for big projects. This made it harder to leave our family and friends but it’s the best thing for us right now.” The wise man said, “This town is like the one you just described.” The newcomers were grateful and glad to be starting over in a town that was similar to the one they had just left.
There’s plenty of other parts of the book that captivated my attention and scripture verses he used but that quote in particular was the biggest one that jumped out at me.
I was baffled at this realization. Both stories are different ways of saying your past relationships determine and write your future. The wise man knew the newcomers would only find more of what they had already experienced.
Ending
So not only was my past helping to write my future the same way I had experienced it, I feared new water that could help ease the pain of the burn from the hot water. As I was walking Ana at the end of my day, I saw my neighbor down the way coming towards us. Usually one of us turns around and goes the other way, but this time that didn’t happen. I felt this urge to talk to her if she got within earshot. I had been talking to the Holy Spirit about mine and her friendship and I believe that He was the one to tell me to talk to her and ask her for her forgiveness if she got close enough. I was obedient.
Her and I started talking and I told her what was on my heart. I confessed my resentment and bitterness and my lack of knowledge and asked her for her forgiveness. She told me that she also had no idea what happened. She was waiting for me to talk to her or any of the other girls that went on the trip about what was going on but then I unfriended them. They didn’t create a new group chat without me in it. That morning when I said “Hi” to her from afar, was probably a moment where it was too far and I just imagined the worst-case scenario. I’m unsure about the text going unanswered but does that really matter after the other instances started making sense in my head? My neighbor believed that our friendship had run its course. I agreed but it didn’t need to end like that. I repented to the Holy Spirit and was amazed at how deep my misunderstanding was.
There were points in my own stubbornness where I wanted to telll her to get over herself. The truth is, I should have been saying that to myself. I am so incredibly grateful that I was obedient to the Holy Spirit. He blew my mind. I hope this gives you an opportunity to look at the relationships/friendships of your life where you believe there’s a sore spot or a burn. Are you scared of cold refreshing water? Are you unknowingly re-writing the same story over and over again? It is time to ask the Holy Spirit what He wants you to know about those situations and He will tell you.
She Who Abides In Him 
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