Singleness. I was single when I accepted Christ into my life (which was not too long ago) and I am still single now. Despite not having been in this position for very long, I have learned a lot about what it means to be single and how it’s benefiting not just me but the people around me and what it means for my future. Maybe this story or some of the things I write will resonate with you in your single season if you’re in one, because sometimes let’s face it, singleness can be difficult. If you’re in a spot where you’re still able to have kids but you don’t have a family yet and thought you’d be married and have three little ones running around, it can feel like a lot of pressure. It is my prayer that the Holy Spirit reveals to you what is real so you may cherish it. I pray that Jesus blesses this post and the Holy Spirit helps me to write not just what I may be experiencing, but also what someone else in their walk with singleness might or may experience and I give Him permission to use me for His good works in this so that it may help a brother or sister in Christ. Abba Father, sanctify our minds and silence the voice of the enemy and the flesh. In the name of Jesus, Amen.
Background
So to give you a little backstory, I’ve been boy crazy my whole life. I had what some might call the spirit of Jezebel. It got me into some of the worst situations I’ve ever been in my life. I believe it was the biggest contributor to all the traumatic experiences in my life. All of my relationships have been idolotrous. This is the first time in my life where I feel like I have it right and it actually feels right. When I think about relationships or the opposite sex, I experience the fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control). The contrast between how I used to think and act around the opposite sex has matured because of the Holy Spirits work in me. I used to be literally obsessed with boys. So obsessed in fact that I didn’t think life was worth living if I didn’t have someone in my life that I was romantically interested in or if I didn’t have someone interested in me romantically. It sounds dramatic I know but that’s how I felt.
The Truth
Throughout childhood, I had this overwhelming desire to be rescued and to be loved to an unnatural degree (thank you Disney and unrealistic rom-coms). I believe my intentions were real because I do have a Savior and I do have a person who loves me unconditionally and constantly expresses His love for me. It is an unnatural kind of love. A supernatural kind of love. His name is Jesus. He even went as far as to die for me before the world knew me. But He knew me. I just didn’t know Him. But the natural wiring and the natural tendency to seek something or someone to fill that void would ultimately lead me to Him. So in many ways I am grateful. Because when I start to feel like I have any lack in my relationships, He’s the first person I check in with. The relationship I have with Him, is what sets the tone for all of my other relationships in my life that I care about.
Operating in the world and trying to fill the God-sized void in my life with men who were boys of the world was the beginning of my biggest deception. I was constantly striving, performing, and I’ll be honest-I was always hurt and exhausted. My heart kept breaking and then it would start to harden. More and more. Until one day I realized how much I didn’t like or appreciate men. I was so angry at them. I felt entitled. I felt like I was never going to get my needs met unless I became ruthless and unforgiving. What’s more is, I wanted to be selfish. I wanted to stop opening my heart up just to get hurt over and over. Why not just stop opening up my heart to people who didn’t deserve it? Why not just stop opening up my heart, full stop?
Well, spoiler alert: life isn’t worth living if you’re doing it without love. I have been married before but I was young (20 years old). I modeled the marriage I saw my parents have and I also wasn’t even close to the maturity level needed to make a marriage healthy. But I thought it was my lack of experience and awareness. That for sure contributed to it though. Years later and a few boyfriends later as well, I got into a relationship with a guy where we were living in sin and I ended up getting pregnant. I had a miscarriage and I can’t even begin to describe to you the amount of emotional pain and mental torment a woman goes through after enduring something that with a guy who supported you getting an abortion. You’d think that would have been the tipping point.
But no.
The tipping point was about two years ago when I was in a situationship with someone who was polyamorous, when I wanted just him. I was crushed when that relationship didn’t work out. I had never experienced that before. Where I was the one who was left and didn’t do the leaving. Then not long after that, I got into a relationship with that situationships roommate (I didn’t know he was his roommate at the time of meeting him). It was a big jumbled mess, difficult to explain, and it’s beside the point.
The truth and the point is, we attract what we are. I kept attracting the wrong men but I also moved from relationship to relationship, not allowing myself to fully heal or just find what I truly needed. I was attracting men who were on the same level of emotional and spiritual maturity. They wanted to avoid wasting their time and getting hurt as much as I did. So what would that lead to if two people feel as if they won’t get anywhere anyways? And if they do, it only leads to pain.
There were so many traumatic experiences that have helped me to look back and feel gratitude I don’t have to endure pain like that ever again.
Yes, I might date again, but it will be different. And even if it hurts, it is all covered by His grace and His grace will always serve a purpose. Yes, there’s a chance I could have a miscarriage again but that means I would have to be married and God might not call me to do that again. But if He did, I would have an earthly teammate to go through that with. It wouldn’t be just me this time. His grace is His protection. I used to think that God was this angry spiteful guy in the sky who just had a bunch of rules for us to follow. And if we didn’t, he’d send us to hell.
That’s not His character at all. And unless you’ve welcomed the Holy Spirit in to see with new eyes and accept Jesus into your life as you would a long lost love that’s been dying to find you and be there for you, you will never understand what it feels like. It’s like someone describing the most amazing food they’ve ever eaten in their life at the best restaurant in the universe to someone who’s never eaten food.
Eating the food He gives (daily) out of His own mercy and grace, and drinking from Him looks like never being hungry or thirsty again. Can you imagine that? Being completely satisfied with no wanting or craving? It’s difficult to imagine in today’s day and age when everything we want is at our fingertips. There are plenty of distractions out there telling you what you “need” and it can be dangerous.
It is my challenge to you reader, whether you are single or in a relationship to find satisfaction and gratitude for everything you currently have in your life. We are right where we are supposed to be. When you are single, you are able to minister to God and focus on the relationship just you and Him have. This allows focus to develop the most important relationship in your life. When you’re married or dating someone, there’s another person that’s vying for your attention and can mean less for Abba Father. From my experience marriage just makes things harder and more complex. It’s not just you anymore. We’re not meant to be “perfect” before we meet or get married to that person. But the soil needs to be there. Marriage and singleness have their different fires that offer purification and sanctification.
Loneliness
Let’s talk about loneliness because I can see someone asking about this. Aren’t I lonely?
If I was reading this 10 months ago, I wouldn’t have believed it when someone would say they were healed. But God healed the craving in me to seek someone other than Him. I no longer have this desperation of someone or something to fill a seemingly bankrupt-slowly-climbing-into-debt spiritual void. Now, I still struggle with entertainment and food for comfort (because chocolate and the Great British Baking Show are amazing), but I’m not frantic for another person to fill that void other than the Father.
I get excited when I think about community because I’m just starting to make friends at my church (which can be scary!). But community is so important. Discovering the purpose He created me for has been one of my biggest things I’ve been exploring with Jesus and He is so sweet. He is such a mystery and it’s so exciting to uncover new things He wants me to learn.
This change has fed me to nourishment. This spiritual food is what Jesus was talking about to His disciples when He said He had spiritual food none of them knew about. When I read His word, I am drinking of Him. I ask Him to open my eyes to see the wonderful truths in His instructions (Psalms 119:18). And He does! He reveals Himself to me and lessons on top of that. He shows me parts of myself that are in other characters in the Bible, and helps me to know what to do and what not to do.
There’s an intimacy that’s there. And I still have so much to learn but He has been patiently and gently guiding me along the Way. It has been so exciting and I can’t wait to learn more about Him and from Him.
I could talk about this for hours but I’ll leave it here for now. I hope you enjoyed this read if you made it all the way down here! Thank you for your support!
Blessings!
Love,
Megan
She Who Abides In Him 